My insanity prevents me from doing anything worthwhile: an update

04/12/26

It's henry darger's birthday today. Consider offering a prayer of peace up to him. If you haven't heard of him, consider reading a bit about him, the protector of children.

Now i don't adhere as stringently to astrology as i once did in high school, but one could say i'm an experiencing a regression on multiple levels to that period of time, so i'm going to blame this - my current severe disorganization and my rage toward it - on the fact that the sun and mars are currently in aries. Even as i type that now it sounds juvenile but i'm just gonna hit some thoughts as fast as i can while resisting the urge to go back and edit which is what usually makes this process take 3+ hours. Ever since i had a religiously-influenced psychotic break about two years ago - short-lived but consequential - i continue to experience recurring bouts of extreme preoccupation with very specific and singular concepts that sort of drift and morph depending on where i am subconsciously or something. At the time of the break, i was severely preoccupied with the folk-saint henry suso as well as the concept of novenas. This will show up again somewhere later if i ever release my album, which is looking like a slim chance at this point. The following year, no psychotic break happened, but as if to participate subconsciously in a sort of cycle or recurrence of a cycle, i became severely preoccupied with the idea of finding a monastery to live in. I ended up purchasing probably $200 worth of orthodox religious ephemera from st paisius orthodox monastery and i even contacted a nun personally about joining the monastery nearest to me but i ended up being talked down by my partner and everything was fine. Now for some reason, maybe i'm further from God than i used to be or maybe i'm More Grounded in the Manifest World of God's Creation than i used to be or maybe the Manifest World of God's Creation is further from God than it used to be or maybe it's all closer and it's all different words for the same thing, but the preoccupation now - as in for the past two to three weeks - has been about DOOMSDAY PREPPING and simultaneously about GHOSTS and the perceived threat of paranormal forces which i have been able to keep at bay for such a long time thru my soul-tetheredness and my naturally critical worldview./personality. Paranormal forces being probably the most familiar and comfortable way for me to understand what is in reality the threat of a physical and mortal force i.e. war or poverty. Proof:

I don't know why i do that but i do retain a self-awareness about it as it is rather uncomfortable to feel as if i'm not in control of my own thoughts and the things i do with my day and it's causing a lot of what do you call that,... choice paralysis? I don't know that's probably just a pop psych buzzword anyway. Paradoxically i gain a degree of satisfaction from it because it's probably scratching an itch in my subconscious that would otherwise manifest as a more problematic behavior if i didn't give it somewhere specific to Go, to Lead Itself to. So for some reason i'm reading about how to treat bullet wounds and listening to firsthand accounts of sk**w***er interactions even though i don't even live in a region where those things exist (YET), and i'm like $350 in the hole from obsessively compiling whatever first-aid- and water-purification-related items are on-sale or clearance at the store right now and also other insane things like an atlas of the entire united states and books about foraging for wild plants (which is really severely interesting. All of it is really severely interesting and even as i criticize/lament the fixation i recognize its capacity to be sublimated into a healthy part of my lifestyle and addition to my skillset, like gaining the ability to go hiking in cool mountainous regions instead of the flatlands on which i live, though i do love pine forests but they get old after a while and the fact of the matter is i really badly want to Get Outside and get off the computer forever and be so offline that i don't even remember why i liked being online, like i want to get a typewriter and move to a cabin in the woods and that's the only way i will ever actually be able to focus on my creative works and the latent universe incubating inside of my mind palace, AND THEREIN LIES the paradox that in order to get there, in order to get back to what i want to focus on and where i want to be, i have to enter these fugue states during which my body and mind forces me to do The Exact Opposite of All of That and it's really uncomfortable and frustrating. I guess i'm closing the parenthesis here now.)

All this is to say, my macbook on which i do music has been physically compromised and i'm having sleep paralysis again and it's all making it difficult to work on creative works. And i hate that. It fills me with such a rage of such an existential proportion that all the hours i'm off work at home i'm just sitting there pissed off that i'm not able to do anything except scroll thru r/preppers and watch videos about the kukri and listen to the 2 girls 1 ghost podcast (no shade on them i think they're really cool and i'm grateful they're helping me work thru my current preoccupation). I can feel it all synthesizing and gradually leading itself back to a state of productivity and creation, like it's compiling fuel in the form of intellectual expansion, and finetuning the eventual destination thru the subconscious exploration of these specific seemingly nonsensical topics. I don't even actually believe there's going to be an apocalypse of any scale. I'm just, like, recognizing that my lack of knowledge creates a vulnerability such that i cannot move forward to the next stage in my life until that vulnerability is sealed. All this is because i watched that damn ethel cain video. I really want to move away out of florida and i think it will allow me to initialize my True magnum opus which does not even exist in my consciousness yet, but once i get up there, it will have the freedom to grow. And in order to get up there, i have to put Everything i'm doing right now on pause and learn everything there is to know about first aid and appalachian cryptids. Y'all, i don't know how else to explain it. Honestly, i'm considering either Not releasing an album, or only releasing Half an album, and just moving on to my true destiny. At the end of the day i'm not super concerned with my current creative works being put on hold due to the torrential wind-whipping of my mind, because i'm not very interested in my current creative works, i'm just mad that i'm not able to do everything i've ever wanted to do in my life right now today. In short, it's a manifestation of great hope and great purpose which is an exciting feeling i'm still new to. I will figure it out. It's all part of the process. And i hope to encourage anyone who is freakish enough to read this entire thing that there is a manifest process to the creation of things that seems to pull itself away when in fact it is always moving closer, and you absolutely have to let it run its course because this is the nature of the movement of the breath of God and its design becomes apparent only in retrospect.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

Like and subscibe